Tag Archive: zombie tools


When I first saw this commercial during the premiere of The Walking Dead‘s second season, I half expected the dude wielding The Jaw Saw to go apesh*t and attack a horde of walkers. Nope. But I’m damn sure of one thing. The makers of this Voltron arm looking device were definitely aiming at zombie prevention experts in training. The menacing looking teeth hold branches in place while you swipe them off with relative ease. Substitute the branch for a living dead’s neck and you have an instant decapitation tool. SWEET. Now all you need is another person to carry the generator, and a really long extension cord if you feel like venturing out into a desolate landscape to rid the world of the undead.

 

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Zombie Tools

Why wait for post apocalyptic weapons when the world goes to s*** when you can purchase them today??? That’s the question Zombie Tools asks. And I’m pretty sure it’s what they had in mind while designing these weapons. The arsenal provided by the company ranges from throwing knives to big-ass spear looking things. Think of a sword from Medieval Times bumping uglies with some of the weapons from Braveheart. Add some Mel Gibson caliber craziness, with interesting staining, and you’ve pretty much got a product in the company’s starting lineup. The titles of such mind blowing blades range from the Backwoods Bone Machete(shown below) to the Squid Axe.

It’s clear a great amount of detail was given to the aesthetics of each weapon. Everything is made by hand to insure quality control, which also means every zombie tool will vary slightly from one another making the one you purchase one of a kind. Judging by the pictures alone, the blades have a full tang which adds durability when you’re slicing skulls like ripe watermelons. In the FAQ section you’ll find the process used to create these interesting slaying tools, with some serious and humorous references to the advantages of having a weapon that never runs out of ammunition.

I’m no knife pro, and I don’t necessarily have the coin to buy these(yet), but the only issues I can see thus far are the practicality of the blade curvature. But if you’re using any of Zombie Tools’ blades solely to cut down the undead, then you’ll no doubt look like a Mad Max-ish badass while doing so and blade shape wouldn’t be a factor. I imagine performing a drive-by on a zombie using the Apokatana would be sufficient enough to not mourn the loss of television and Angry Birds during the apocalypse. If you buy these fine products, don’t be an idiot and cut yourself while screwing around. Otherwise you’ll be known as one of two titles when society gets rebuilt: “(your name here) Two-Fingers,” or The Village Idiot.

Buy at: Zombie Tools

 

Badass Gardener.

Introducing the Crovel. If Chuck Norris were a landscaper, he’d own this tool. Then he’d roundhouse kick you in the face for having a lawn that doesn’t maintain itself. Because all it takes is a steely eyed glare for grass to cut itself in the Chuck’s presence.

Based on the ACU colored pack, camouflaged parachute cord wrapped around the handle, and what looks to be a Remington 1100 semi-automatic shotgun in the foreground (correct me if I’m wrong), the makers of this multi-tool are catering to ninja gardners. Or survivalists. Or the military.

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